


The Embracing Tentacles of Love

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Aliens, Crack, F/M, Other, Sex, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles, except not really, oldfic, totally au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:21:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: In which the Doctor likes tentacles and Romana doesn't.





	The Embracing Tentacles of Love

**Author's Note:**

> (This is also very old, I've been looking through some old stuff and posting it all here for archiving purposes.)

"Now _that_ is a nice tentacle."

Romana looked up from her book to find the Doctor leaning over the back of the sofa with his glasses on for closer tentacle inspection.

"It's not pornography."

"I was only saying."

She turned the page. "Do wish _I_ had tentacles?"

He made a little clucking sound as he considered. "Only a bit. Not as much as I wish you had a penis."

"And wore a lot of black and tried to take over planets?"

"No," he said. It was a lie, but he'd learned from Martha that you should never, ever mention the ex. No matter how sexy he was. He pointed to an illustration. "That one's nice. I like the smooth ones more than the ones with little suckers on."

"It's not a catalogue!"

The Doctor did a surprisingly agile leap over the sofa and sat down next to her. "It's not that mail-order tentacle brides thing Jack left in the kitchen?"

She sighed. "It's a history of S'jkit IV. I thought we might go there."

"For the tentacles?" He nodded. "I'm willing to explore that part of our relationship."

"You never used to like tentacles. I remember quite specifically that when I regenerated-"

"I was young," he cut in. "I didn't understand the full spectrum of my sexuality." He sat back. "Anyway, it was only your first go. I know the temptation is to try something new and 'out there'" he did the quotes with his fingers "but you can't go wrong with the classic bipedal humanoid." He looked at the back of his hand, speculatively. "I'm thinking ginger next time. Or black. I've never been either of those. Maybe I could be a woman."

"Perhaps you could have tentacles," said Romana, turning another page. 

"You're young, you don't understand. Sometimes you make me feel so old." 

"Yes," she said lightly, "I'm only 280 years older than you usually go for."

"I'm not so keen on that one," he said, leaning against her to look at the book. 

"It has retractable spikes."

" _Really_ not keen on that one. Are you sure this book isn't about sex?"

"Quite sure." She rubbed her forehead with a hand. "Could you try not to be aroused when I'm reading? It's very distracting."

He grinned and thought of something obscene. 

"I don't think that would fit in there." She turned to a page with no pictures.

He stroked her arm. "Do you want to try?" he asked, hopefully. 

"I think I preferred the tentacles."

The Doctor jumped to his feet. "Oh, I know just the place! Polysexual polyamorous... things! With tentacles! Long, sinuous ones. They wrap them round you and it's the best hug you've ever had! Well, there's some slime, but if you ignore that it's brilliant." 

"Is it penis envy?" She closed the book and put it down on the sofa. "Do you want me to use the attachment again?"

"No! Yes. No to the first, but I'd quite like the other. Not right now, though. Another day."

"You know," said Romana, "I sometimes worry that we're misrepresenting the species."

"I think we're exploding myths about Gallifreyan sexuality."

"Please don't mention Gallifrey and exploding in the same sentence."

He moved the book out of the way and sat down next to her again. "Sorry. That spoiled the mood, didn't it?"

"What mood?"

"The erotic mood."

"We were talking about you feeling inadequate." She gave him her most compassionate smile. "It's not the best you've ever had, but I do quite like what you do with it."

"Oh."

"Are you going to sulk?"

"No," he sulked.

"I'm sure you noticed. It's not that I expect you to measure it," she said, fully expecting that, "but surely you'd realised?" She patted his knee. "But as I said, you do very well with what the universe has given you."

"I wish you had tentacles," he said, spitefully.

"The novelty would wear off."

"It might not." He stuck his legs out and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"You've never mentioned tentacles before." She thought about some things that didn't involve tentacles. 

He countered with something interesting that could be done with a tentacle. "Don't you think that would be nice?"

She thought about the ones with spikes on. "I don't think that would be."

He winced. "That wasn't fair!"

"I was reading! And you felt the need to interrupt with your tentacle-related fantasies!"

"It's very big in Japan."

"Hmm," she said. 

He put his glasses back in his pocket, doubting there would be any more pictures. "Did you know that Japan's thirty years ahead of the rest of the planet?"

"I did wonder why they had those robotic kittens in 1984."

"K-9 was very fond of those," he said, nostalgic.

"It's a good thing we had him fixed."

"Well, we had to. It was getting embarrassing."

"How's the TARDIS bearing up?" she asked. 

"Bit broody. Moves her walls sometimes to make me rub against her. And there was an incident with a phone box that... well, I'm sure you can imagine."

"Ghastly."

The Doctor shrugged. "She was upset at the parting, but it's better to have loved and lost."

"At least we have each other," said Romana. 

"And aliens," said the Doctor, who hadn't entirely forgotten about the tentacles. 

"It's not really the same," she said.

He nodded. "You can't have proper sex with them or their brains explode."

"I do hope you haven't tried."

The Doctor gave her an offended look. "They did teach sex education when I was at the academy." He smiled, remembering. "We used to have such fun asking old Borusa about the secondary prostate."

"Most aliens can't manipulate time," she said, hoping to further remove tentacles from the agenda. 

"Certainly not while in the throes of romantic passion."

Romana smiled. "Do you remember when were in that lovely restaurant on the floor of that ocean planet, talking in Gallifreyan thinking no one could understand us-"

"And the TARDIS had translated everything?" He grinned, then became serious. "We can never go back there, you know. Not after what you suggested we do with those little fruit things."

Romana thought about what they'd done, and they both sighed. 

"Yeah," said the Doctor, "that was a good one."

"It's a shame we can never go back."

"Well, not _after_ that first visit."

"Good thing we have a time machine."

On cue the TARDIS gave a shuddering sigh. 

"A horny time machine," said the Doctor, leaning down to stroke the floor. He sat up again and wiped dust from his fingers. "She's starting to let herself go a bit," he whispered. 

"Isn't there anything she could mate with? We could leave her for a bit and let her do her thing."

The Doctor thought for a moment. "I do know a man who'd try anything once. He can't die, which would be an advantage." He tried to go back to the earlier topic. " _He'd_ be willing to try a few-"

Romana thought of something quite filthy. The Doctor stopped mid-sentence and made a funny squeaking sound.

She smiled. "Thought that would distract you."

"Can you do that in this regeneration?"

Romana tilted her head and considered. "I expect so. I'm quite supple."

"We should probably sort the TARDIS out first," said the Doctor, without much conviction.

"Yes," she agreed, equally unconvinced. 

They finished each other's thoughts for a moment. 

The Doctor stood up. "I'll just go park her in the vortex for a bit. I'm sure she won't mind."

Romana got to her feet as well. "It won't take long. Not _relatively_ speaking."

"It's nothing to a TARDIS."

"I'll go get the ice-cream."

"What flavour?"

"Squid."


End file.
